I slept early last night since I'm having headaches again. I woke up late this afternoon because of the meds I took last night. I have none much to blog about, at the moment I am finishing my durer fera et le testament which I'll be posting excerpts of it here. A common reaction like my sister gave and probably what you'll also say "What the hell are thinking about!" Don't worry I not about to take my life or do something stupid.
It all started when the topic was brought up during a typical family dinner. Hey don't get the wrong idea that we enjoy or rather its normal for us to discuss a morbid topic, it just so happened that a family member in the province died. My mom and dad was having a healthy conversation (debate) about whether or not a person knows that its his/her time... I was enjoying my dinner when my mom suddenly asked me " So Kristina, how did you feel when you were at the hospital? I was caught by surprise... I was slowly processing the question my mom just gave me... and was also quiet shocked that my mom finally recognized the gravity of my condition. I didn't utter a word. I was suddenly reminded of the ordeal that I went through and how serious it was. My dad sensing that it was kinda awkward for me just gave his conclusion and went on to another topic.
Since then I've been reflecting on death... and quite frankly I have realized alot of things and also I will learn a lot as I get older about reality and its components.
I have a typical first name and that is Kristina. It could be spelled-out in different ways (Cristina, Christina, Xtina and what have you) but nevertheless it still sounds the same. For the last 2 decades of my existence, my name has evolved from Maria, tin-tin, Kristina, Kristeta, tina, tins and in an effort to be unique I finally chose a hyphenated name now I am t-na.
Mood Swings
Confessions
I always said the right things, throwing smiles left and right, ignoring "unpleasant" scenarios pretend that it didn't happen. I found it difficult to say NO, even though I really don't want to do it. To top it off, I always believed that "If I could just be nice to other people, maybe they will also be nice to me in return". Now, realizing that all of that crap I thought of is just full of shit since a lot of people took advantage of my disposition. Some of them even recognized that I was gullible and naive but instead of correcting me, they completely did the opposite. I've treasured momments of reflection and meditation, the healing of wounds. One day I'll face and conquer my demons...
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