I had a revelation the other day. I was quite numbed at the initial shock. The numbness quickly replaced and felt like all this time I had a "I AM AN IDIOT" sign stuck on my forehead.
A small part of me knew it was coming. An instant recollection of all the signs that I purposely blinded myself not to see.
I hate how I allowed my emotions to be played with, a part of an experiment of some sorts. A casualty for someones self discovery.
This might sting for a while but looking at the whole picture, I am happy reflecting on how things transpired I consider myself spared. It might have been a greater tragedy if things went on a different direction.
I have a typical first name and that is Kristina. It could be spelled-out in different ways (Cristina, Christina, Xtina and what have you) but nevertheless it still sounds the same. For the last 2 decades of my existence, my name has evolved from Maria, tin-tin, Kristina, Kristeta, tina, tins and in an effort to be unique I finally chose a hyphenated name now I am t-na.
Mood Swings
Confessions
I always said the right things, throwing smiles left and right, ignoring "unpleasant" scenarios pretend that it didn't happen. I found it difficult to say NO, even though I really don't want to do it. To top it off, I always believed that "If I could just be nice to other people, maybe they will also be nice to me in return". Now, realizing that all of that crap I thought of is just full of shit since a lot of people took advantage of my disposition. Some of them even recognized that I was gullible and naive but instead of correcting me, they completely did the opposite. I've treasured momments of reflection and meditation, the healing of wounds. One day I'll face and conquer my demons...
t-na @ 2:56 AM|
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